I like my sex mixed with concussions.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
