I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
