honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
