He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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