What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
