wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
