Porn is love you can see.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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