Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
