everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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