I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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