Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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