Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
