what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
