I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
