I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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