I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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