Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
