lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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