my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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