ADVERTISEMENT

• (732): View more from New Jersey

  I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.

  Fav 12 915 4149

  share tweet
  

• (281): View more from Texas

  Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

  Fav 11 8119 1670

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (440): View more from Ohio

  well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

  Fav 6 3646 1151

  share tweet
  

• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex

  Fav 5 2633 838

  share tweet
  

• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

  Fav 1 1670 857

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good

  Fav 8 2281 721

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (503): View more from Oregon

  Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?

  Fav 3 1205 586

  share tweet
  

• (301): View more from Maryland

  she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

  Fav 4 1202 495

  share tweet
  

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?

  Fav 1 775 492

  share tweet
  

• (217): View more from Illinois

  why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list

  Fav 3 508 318

  share tweet
  

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM

  Fav 1 130 15

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (415): View more from California

  I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.

  Fav 0 91 14

  share tweet
  

• (323): View more from California

  Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.

  Fav 0 29 36

  share tweet
  

• (786): View more from Florida

  I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.

  Fav 0 36 18

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (573): View more from Missouri

  I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"

  Fav 0 17 24

  share tweet
  

Randomize