How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
