She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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