she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
