Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
be right there i have to get my cape
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
