I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
