he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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