She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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