U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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