omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
