so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
