it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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