Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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