I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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