yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
