dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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