the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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