I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
