Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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