There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
