I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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