glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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