dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
