I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
