i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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