Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
