2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
