im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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