i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
