My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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