apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
