That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i think im in europe. pls send help
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
